This is another statement to which I must respond. Definitely more than a handful of people have made this comment upon discovering my pregnancy.
My sense is that this is a curious inquiry. People are wondering what my fertility story is. Of course one would assume that I am infertile upon meeting my son...but now that I'm pregnant that assumption isn't as secure. So they thought they once knew how to categorize my family, but now they're not so sure.
I do know of people who have chosen to start their families through adoption and then add biological children -- this is not a large demographic but it does exist. So perhaps people now wonder if this is my story.
Regardless, my fertility story is my own to share with whom and when I want. And it shouldn't matter to anyone how my family came to be. But for some reason, those around me feel it is necessary to ask questions such as this.
And, like other comments, this sort of invalidates the adoption process in my life. Because if I could in fact get pregnant, then why did I adopt a child instead of having a bio child first. Let's just make all the comments we can that erase the intentional process of how my family started. And then let's find more comments that cause me to explain my bodily functions and justify why my family began with adoption. For pete's sake. It. Does. Not. Matter.
8 comments:
hmmm - I like responding to potentially rude questions in a way that asks the questioner to reveal or examine her/his own motivations. Some ideas in this instance:
"What made you think that?"
"How interesting - looks like you thought wrong."
or "I didn't realize you had thought about my fertility - what makes you bring it up now?"
If they have a legitimate reason for probing into your personal life this gives them the opportunity to reveal. If not then hopefully they feel foolish (cause their comment certainly is silly.)
People are just sooo rude!!
some great comments alissabeth! i especially like the "i didn't realize you thought about my fertility!"
and yes bumber's bumblings, people are so very rude.
Shock value..... "we found a new position that worked" I'm sure that would shut anyone up!!!! hahaha
When people would ask us if we were ever going to have kids I told them we were still practicing, always a conversation ender!
I'm still getting these annoying and rude comments. I wish I had the most witty response to share, but I tend to be more crude than anything else.
if someone said "I thought you couldn't get pregnant," I'd probably say "I couldn't." but most people say something ignorant about how it happens so often, and to those people, I have so many things I want to say...
btw, I wrote about it here and there are some good comments: http://lifefromhere.wordpress.com/2011/07/22/the-myth-aka-just-think-again/
How about just responding from the heart with kindness, removing the burden of wit or sarcasm?
The content of the question is intrusive and can feel violating, but at its heart it would seem that it is friendly curiosity, or delighted astonishment...a chance to celebrate what to the other might seem a miracle. I think it's great to educate people to have them understand how they come across...but my hunch is that if you let them know how rude they seemed to you, they would be surprised as that would be the farthest from their intent...I wonder if it doesn't make sense to hear, "blah blah blah" and see the joy in their eyes and acknowledge the love therein.
I also find that people have some very 'interesting' questions for me sometimes. The thing that I always remember is that I don't believe that anyone ever tries to be intentionally rude to me. They just sometimes speak without thinking, or don't necessarily know how to phrase things. I take it with a grain of salt, answer as best I can and move on, knowing that they weren't trying to be rude. Sometimes you just have to give people the benefit of the doubt.
- Kristen
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