to celebrate pregnancy

The idea of what it means to celebrate pregnancy is a value. All who do become pregnant will experience this in different ways.

I come into this pregnancy with certain life circumstance that many pregnant women will never experience. I have a history of infertility. Never even once considered assisted reproductive technology. A history with adoption. And I was never pregnant (until now of course)...so no miscarriages etc.

Beyond what the end result of being pregnant was, I did not feel this great need to be pregnant. I did not feel less of a woman by not experiencing this rite of passage. I had difficulty dealing with those who were pregnant around me because I wanted what they would have at the end of 9 months. I seriously just wanted to be a mom.

I have also worked with pregnant women and babies for most of my career. I have seen and chatted with more pregnant women then I could ever begin to count. And I have held babies over and over again. To see a pregnant woman and baby at this point in my life are very common place. I don't gush over the bellies or babies. They just are what they are.

Also, the lack of high fives and ooing/awing over the belly is just who I am. I have never -- even before we started trying to conceive -- wanted to touch bellies or know all the intimate details about being pregnant. I have been genuinely interested in my friends and their pregnancies but still don't need to spend gobs of time on the topic. And never would I initiate a conversation with a stranger and their belly, unless we were already engaged in conversation and I felt it was appropriate.

I also approach this pregnancy as someone who spoke with a pregnant woman two years ago about potentially parenting her child, and then watched that same woman place her baby in my arms. I think about her pregnancy experience and that perhaps it was not one to celebrate. I think about her in the grocery store with her older daughter and a swollen belly and wonder what strangers may have said to her.

And I do think there is something different about a stranger making a curious comment about a due date when appropriate versus an acquaintance or friend saying "I thought you couldn't get pregnant" or making other assumptions without truly listening to what is felt by the woman at the time.

People worry that I'm missing out on some sort of feeling or experience during this pregnancy...something that they themselves may have felt during pregnancy. Again, what a pregnancy celebration means and looks like is a value. I don't need others to put their values about pregnancy on me. I am truly not concerned about my lack of celebration. I have yet to move into full acceptance of this pregnancy and the end result. Most of the time I still can't believe that I'm pregnant in the first place, and I know enough about myself to know that belief and acceptance will only come after birth. Once there really is a baby to care for and to love on. I am not concerned or worried that bonding and attachment won't happen. I'm just not sure how it will happen, and this again is different for every woman, no matter her pregnancy experience.

If those around me want to celebrate my pregnancy, go for it. Just don't try to make me feel like I have to follow suit or feel what they felt during the same experience.

In this blog space I am being completely honest about my emotions and process. And this may make people uncomfortable. I could perhaps ignore my own feelings and appear as though pregnancy and another child is now the best possible thing to happen to me and I wouldn't want it any other way. That may make those around me more comfortable, but I do know that I would be worse off for not feeling what I feel and being honest about the process.

After my father passed away and people didn't know what to say to me, I ended up saying things to help make them feel better and take them off the hook per say. Those moments were hard for me. I was in the depths of despair but took energy away from processing this loss in my life by caring for others. I'm certainly all for being a caring person -- and those who know me well know that I am not coldhearted -- but I was struggling with life and grieving and needed support. I didn't need full understanding because I am very aware that unless one has walked the road of similar grief it's difficult to empathize, but to just listen to my hurting heart and to be okay with where I was in that moment.

And today at 7 months pregnant I am okay with where I'm at. Contrary to popular belief, I do not sit around and constantly bemoan this pregnancy. At the same time I am still very real and authentic with where I'm at in this journey. I have done as much work processing my new life path as I can do right now. The next part which includes full acceptance and moving forward with love and joy will occur after birth. And I know the rest of my processing time will not happen immediately.

In the meantime, the words I write on this blog are but a glimpse into my current life state. It is mostly the hard stuff I've been thinking about that I write here. I don't write about preparing the baby room, or buying all the cute tiny pink clothes, or watching T hear the heartbeat. All these things are a part of my life as well, I just don't "celebrate" them in the same way as another pregnant woman would.