2009: the good, bad, and ugly

The year 2009 doesn't exactly bring with it warm fuzzy memories. The grief I experienced this year was so devastating it almost took my breath away.

I have been told by other adoptive moms that I would forget the trials and tribulations that go hand in hand with the adoption process once baby came. I suppose this is similar to someone who experiences the pain of child birth being told they will also forget. However, I do know women who have not forgotten their labor experience and I have not forgotten mine. A good friend recently asked me now that baby T is here do I think differently about the last 18 months. My answer was an unequivocal no! T does not erase the grief I have felt or the hope lost. He does bring new hope and joy to my life but 2009 has overwhelmingly been one of my hardest years.

I know the feelings of pain and grief will dull and change with time. My heart doesn't hurt the same way it did 8 years ago after my father died but I can vividly remember those first days and weeks. The pain 2009 brought me will also dull, but it will never be forgotten or belittled in my eyes. It was very real.

So here is my "good, bad, and ugly" of 2009 (and not necessarily in that order):

The Bad: For me the adoption process in general has been "bad." After being given expectations of a really short wait time from our agency to wait as long as we did was really difficult. The mind games I played with myself were especially hard -- would it be this week, the next, ever? I really did convince myself that it would never happen which is why when T did enter our lives I was shell shocked for so long. At every turn during this process we experienced more drama with our two agencies than I can even explain. Bottom line: it was rough.

The Ugly: The ugly occurred on June 30th when A's baby was born so sick we couldn't adopt him. I think my heart actually broke that day. Walking away from that baby, and especially A, was the absolute most difficult thing I have ever had to do. People say that God only allows (I do not mean cause) things to happen that we can handle...honestly...I don't believe that.

And last, but certainly not least...

The Good: is without a doubt baby T. The word "good" doesn't even begin to describe what he has brought to my life. He is a blessing and D and I have been given the great privilege and honor to raise him.

I suspect that 2010 will look different. For this I am eternally grateful and relieved. I'm ready to find hope and joy again...and this will be the year.